Several years ago, there was an article in the Washington Post written by a woman who felt she had a right to know who her father was, as she was the product of her mother and an anonymous sperm donor. I found the article troubling because the author used the words “father” and “sperm donor” interchangeably. In doing so, she mixed up the act of donating sperm with the lifelong role of fatherhood. This illustrates one of the risks surrounding gamete donation: the potential for emotional turmoil and confusion in the children born of this process. It is therefore critical to be clear on the role a donor plays in a given family in order to prevent unnecessary psychological distress to the children many years down the line. As a Reproductive Counselor, my job includes coaching people on how to disclose delicate information to offspring conceived via sperm donor. Understanding the difference between the social role of parenting, compared to the genetic role of a donor, is the first step in disclosure.
Many couples use donor gametes these days, but many single people do so as well, particularly single women that find themselves at a point in life where waiting for Mr. Right will result in missing the opportunity to be pregnant or become a parent. Some woman use either donated sperm or egg and some need to choose donors for both roles. Still others use donated frozen embryos. While most patients use anonymous donors, some patients know their donor. Regardless of the path taken to build a family, clarity around the contribution is essential.
A man who donates sperm is screened extensively and has a contract to fulfill with his clinic. He most often wishes to remain anonymous, and is not interested in parenting, or in a reunion eighteen years after donating. However, should he choose to be found, some clinics offer donor registries to enable participation or at least recognition at a later date.
Whether a sperm donor wants to be found or not, a mother raising a child conceived via donor sperm needs to address the fact that he is a donor, only a donor, and never a “father”. This is not to minimize the donor’s enormous gift, but to clarify for the child’s sake that a donor is someone who kindly, altruistically donates − in this case, sperm. It also differentiates the act of giving sperm from the loving, on-going role of fatherhood.
If a parent refers to the donor as the child’s "real, genetic, or donor father" this terminology confuses the social role of fathering with the act of giving sperm. This is particularly true for single women by choice who have neither a ready “father figure” at the time of conception, nor a potential partner for the duration of the child's life. As the child observes the many ways families are structured, he/she will inevitably see that his family has only a mother. To answer questions of paternity with "your father is a sperm donor” can cause fantasies of a parental role and psychological bonding with a male that was never intended to be a father figure for the child.
In the Post article, the woman felt she was robbed of her father because she was unable to have access to the identity of her mom's anonymous sperm donor. I wonder: was she upset with not having a father, or with having a sperm donor aid her mother to create her life?
Broaching conversations regarding donor conception can be intimidating for parents. Starting at a young age with "a nice man helped us out because mommies cannot have babies all alone" or “daddy needed help from a doctor so we could have you” is a start. Later, you can explain how the "nice man" is called a donor. Still later you can wonder about him, show your child the profile and, depending upon your clinic, even consider finding each other. However, keeping the child's fantasy realistic as well as using other men in their lives to be a social role model creates a clearer, cleaner boundary between the two roles.
It is easier to note this subtle but important contradiction if you imagine a couple using a sperm donor, and telling their child that the man who is caring for him or her, day in and day out, is "not your real dad". Any man who has built his family using sperm donation, or even adoption, knows full well the children that he is raising are his own. Genetics do not make a dad. The desire, doing, connecting, care-giving, teaching, loving, playing, praying, and providing-for while remaining a steadfast presence makes a man a dad.
For information about what type of men donate and who can benefit from sperm donation check out: http://bit.ly/tuU6fG
by: Phyllis F. Martin, LPC
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Five years ago, the first frozen donor egg was fertilized and transplanted to Wendy Kennedy. She now has 5-year old Avery, the miracle baby who was the first in the world to be conceived using a frozen donor egg.
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